Saturday, January 18, 2014

My Abusive Relationship with my Rapist

*Disclaimer: This entry will be loooooong. It's literally a play-by-play a part of my life that I want to share. There's no humor or pictures, nothing of what you're probably used to seeing on my blog. Names have been changed. I also apologize for any grammar/spelling mistakes.

Remember how I told you guys that as a New Year resolution, I want to be able to finally share my struggles? It gives me a chance to finally voice my story, raise awareness and hopefully inspire someone to get the help they need.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. All of you that is reading this is the one of the first person to know this story - every detail. None of my closest friends and family knows about this and I don't even know if I'm ready to share it with them yet.

For my readers, I want to thank you in advance for reading this entire post. Just reading it alone means enough for me. For those people that know me in real life and has stumbled across this post/blog, I ask that you don't think of me differently and understand why I held onto this secret for so long.

---

I met Nick when I was newly hired at ABC Retail and like any retailers, it's hectic around the holidays leading up to Boxing Day. Although, I met Nick and established him as a senior employee, we actually never talked until late December when the holiday sales has calmed down.

He added me on Facebook and during that time, I was getting a lot of friends requests from my new co-workers. I thought he'd be another one - you know, just being on my Facebook friends list, and occasionally liking my pictures/statuses. He ended up talking to me about work, life and just getting to know each other.

We continued talking on Facebook for a few more days until he finally asked to talk through text messages instead. I agreed. 

Sometime in early January, he asked if I wanted to hang out outside of work. I was out shopping and I thought... well, work is just down the street so, why not? He told me he'll be off in about an hour or so. 

I remember that night clearly... I mean, how can I not? I thought we'd be hanging out at a restaurant of some sort. He told me that he wanted to go home and change out of his uniform. At that time, I thought he was telling the truth so we agreed to make a stop at his apartment - he lived Downtown anyways. 

When we arrived, he told me to make myself at home while he showered and changed. I dropped my shopping bags near the entranced and sat watching TV. It was about US Congress. While he was in the shower, his roommate, Hank came back from work; we quickly introduced ourselves just in time for Nick to come out of the shower. 

Out of nowhere, Nick decided to cancel the hangout and stay at home instead. Hank just bought pizza for all of us too. I was a bit hesitant but I thought, "Nick is a co-worker. Hank seems like a nice guy, besides Hank's heading out soon anyways." so the fact that Nick was a co-worker, I had this trust in him and I knew him for about three months already. Nick was going through the fridge and found vodka. I told him I don't drink anymore and he was pressuring me to just drink a little bit. He poured about 1/4th of vodka and filled the rest with Canada Dry and even then I could still taste the vodka.

The three of us (me with OJ, Hank with wine and Nick with vodka) all sat down in front of the TV until Hank announced that he needed to get going. 

When Hank left, things were normal for a few minutes until Nick started laughing. He was red from the vodka and I assumed he was drunk... I mean, he sure acted like it (turns out that Nick is a heavy drinker and can go through like a million drinks before getting drunk or slightly tipsy). Nick was rolling around and giggled. He touched my hands and arm but I brushed it off as a drunk move. He slowly started touching my face and commenting at how warm I was from the little vodka I drank, something along the lines of "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're so red and warm from that little bit of vodka... and you didn't even finish it!"

One thing led to another, and the next thing I found myself face to face with Nick. He made the first move and when I responded back, he took things rapidly. Somewhere between it all, I realized he was faking the drunkness. After sex, we watched some TV until Hank came back and the three of us went upstairs to the lobby to play some pool. I wasn't sure if the sex Nick and I had was a one time thing or not but I was happy to have him company. That night, I ended up sleeping over because it got too late to transit back home.

The next morning, while he was getting ready to go to work, we talked about what happened. He told me that as soon as I got hired, he wanted to get to know me more and took interest in me. He also told me to not to tell anyone about the sex. He told me that he obviously can't play favourites at work (remember, he's a senior employee) without management having to talk to us. Basically, this was the secret, "illegal" relationship type that you see in movies. 

In the month of January, we went on dates and spent a lot of time together. To be honest, half of that month I spent at his place. 

In February, I remember winning tickets to an advance screening of a popular movie. It was actually showing on Valentine's Day so naturally I wanted to spend that day with Nick. I remember telling him about it and he responded with sure, let's go. I remember getting off school that day and texting him what's happening tonight. He never texted back and when he did, he claimed that he got too caught up at work. 

For some reason, that didn't disappoint for some reason. I ended up throwing the tickets away and spent Valentine's Day alone. In February, we didn't spend that much time together.

In March, Hank got a promotion and moved out of the city and because the two of were splitting rent for their Downtown apartment, Nick wasn't making enough to pay for expensive rent which forced him to move elsewhere. During this month or in mid-late Feb, Nick also decided to buy a car too. On the day he was moving, he asked if I wanted to help out. Seeing as we didn't spend that much time in February, I agreed but he constantly took hours to reply so I wasn't sure what the plan was. By 10ish PM that night, he texted if I wanted to come over. I declined seeing it was too late but he insisted. When I did agree, he changes his mind because he got his friends staying the night.

The next couple of months were a bit blurred in my mind. I remember there were nights when we solely had sex in his car and then he'd drop me home. As in, after work, he'd come pick me up, drive a few blocks down to a park, do the deed and then he'll drop me home again. 

Looking back, I don't think I ever loved him. Studies shows that females tend to release hormones that makes us attracted to the person we have sex with. I think that was the case, because I knew, in the back of my mind, that he's not interested enough to have a relationship. 

By then, I think I was already in too deep.

During these blurred months, I know that we had sex, and only sex. It got to the point where if I do stay the night, after sex, he'll do his own things on the laptop. We stopped going out, we stopped heading to the movies. Whenever we want food, we'll just go through a drive way.

It started to make me feel... a way I can't describe. It's not hurtful but it's not the greatest thing. Perhaps, it's emptiness. The more I agreed to meet up with Nick just for sex, the bigger the hole I'm digging myself into. I felt like I was trapped. When I ignore him or when I refuse to come over, he'll ignore me for days, sometimes week. Eventually, he started calling me a 'bitch' for saying no to him and would slap me or pull on me with a great force and say he's just "kidding".

Of course I'd say no. During sex, he's selfish. As soon as he "finishes" himself off, I'm left there hanging. I get no pleasure out of it. I literally just lay there and he'll still enjoy it. Not to mention the sex is painful sometimes. There are nights when I want to see him but don't want to stay over and he'll refuse to drive me home despite the fact that he promised to do so.

I ended up telling one of my best friends and co-worker, Anthony about Nick. I didn't go into details of him calling me a bitch, keeping me at his place, etc. I told Anthony that I think I like Nick and that we've been sleeping together for a while. Anthony nodded and warned me about Nick's character. Anthony is a good people reader and he has spent some time with Nick before. He told me that Nick's character is a liar, a good deceiver, and manipulative. Anthony said, "Jess, trust me. Nick isn't good for you. He's using you for sex, he doesn't like you. He's deceiving you. He tells you all these things you want to hear and make you feel like he's interested when all he's after is your body."

When Anthony told me the hard truth, you'd think that I would have ended this... fling, with Nick, right? But no. There some thing there that makes me say yes whenever Nick asks to "hang out".

When summer came around, I met someone else. I wasn't attracted to him but he was a new person in my life, a change of some sort. He works with the same company but at a different location so he'd come by at work a lot to drop me off dinner. It got to point where Nick notices him and starts getting jealous. He'd be ten times closer to me at work than he did before whenever my new friend is around.

During this period, it was also Nick's birthday. He didn't tell me any of his plans. I ended up discovering that he left the province and went on road trip through my managers at work. 

Fed up, I decided to head on a two weeks road trip with three other friends. I ended up getting into a fight with one of my friends during the first two days and when I texted Nick, he plainly told me, "I told you not to go with those people." I didn't know if the meant that in a rude way or in a comforting way. 

When summer was over, it was September and back to school. When my new friend told me he wants to be in a relationship, I told him I can't and we never talked since then. Nick was happy. I asked Anthony, if Nick isn't interested in me, why is he so jealous and happy? Anthony told me, "Because you're his item. A man's natural instinct is to keep what's his."

I didn't know how I felt about that.

 My birthday is in October. He didn't come to my dinner. Instead, three days later he texted me, "Happy birthday! Let's meet up for some drinks." Call me naive, but for some reason I thought he meant going to a pub since I'm legal now. But no, he meant to his house. When I refused to drink, he tried to push the drink onto me until I drank up to this imaginary line he told me about. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him that night and that I'll only drink and stay for a little while.

He rolled his eyes and called me a "party pooper" but the nonetheless he acknowledge my wishes. This is probably the first time I've not given him consent. All the previous encounters were agreed upon. To change the subject, and probably to get me jealous, he told me where the got the vodka from. Paraphrasing, he said, "This girl, Mai, came over the other day and she brought this vodka. I was so surprised because I didn't think we were going to drink. But the most fucked up thing was that the next day, I woke up naked and she was still here. I asked if we had sex and she said no and then she left."

My heart didn't really drop when I heard that story. I thought it was disgusting because with Nick's lifestyle, he rarely meets new people. So to hear him say he met a Filipino girl named Mai, I assumed it was through his dating site (whenever he was on his laptop and he logged onto his e-mail, a quick glance and I could see notifications from popular meet-up/dating sites. I assumed he stopped using them).

Halfway through the movie we were watching, he started to come onto me. I told him, I'm just not in the mood but he kept on insisting. I tried to shake him off but pretty much any guy is stronger and heavier than me. The next thing I knew, he was taking every clothing off me and literally just shoving himself into me without another word. When all was done, he got up and took a shower.

After my birthday, I tried my best to ignore his texts and his request to hang out. He kept on calling me a bitch and he even lied to me and say let's do _____ but in reality, it would have been to his house. At this point, I got to know his character and lies.

In November, we got some new hires. One of the new hires was a young 18 years old girl named Kate. Kate is gorgeouuuuuuuuus but she was also the cousin of another well respected co-worker so there was no gossip or anything. One day, Kate came into the store to check her schedule and she was dressed in her regular clothes. When Kate left, Nick came up to me and said, "Was that Kate? What did she want?" I told him she wanted to check her schedule. Nick said, "Oh. Kate is sooo hot." I rolled my eyes and told Nick that she's underage, only 18 years old. Nick said the most disgusting thing ever, "Whocares. I guess for her, it's sex before age. HA!" (Kate's attractive and let's just say, for an 18 years old... she's really developed in certain areas). This guy is such a perv!

Fast forward to the Christmas holidays dinner. I was working that Sunday so when my shift ended, I got a ride to the party with my supervisor and another co-worker. Nick had the day off and decided to offer Kate a ride to the party. I was happy because I love hanging out with Kate and because she was a new hire, she almost didn't come because she was too shy. 

At that Christmas dinner, we sat at different tables and I got drunk (don't worry, my managers didn't think less of me (THANK GOD) and they got a good laugh out of it). Along with me and another good co worker, Sam, we were the drunkest two at the party. At ABC Retail, everyone treats me like a little sister because I'm the youngest in the store (before Kate came) and despite Kate being the youngest, everyone is used to treating me like a baby. By the end of the night, my manager said "Okay, let's get Jess home safe and sound. Did you drive?"
Another co worker said "I'm dropping off _____, I can drop Jess off too. They live pretty close to each other."

However, Nick came out of nowhere and said, "No, I'll drop Jess home."
My co worker nodded and left. Nick told me that he's also dropping Kate off too which is on the way home because she lives about 10 minutes away.

When Kate was dropped off, I got moved to the front seat. I was still drunk and felt like throwing up. Nick asked "Where do you want to go?"
In my mind I was getting frustrated, "I'm tired, I want to throw up, I just want to go home."
Nick replied, "My place?"
"No, I just want to go home and sleep."
"Okay."

I know where Kate lives so when I felt like the car ride was taking longer than expected (11pm, no traffic; my eyes were getting heavy), I straightened myself and looked out the window to see us driving by my block.

"Nick, where are you going?! You missed my house."
"We're going to my place. It's getting late and I'm tired too."
"What the fuck, all you had to do was turn right! I'm not in the mood to do anything, I seriously just want to sleep."
 "I'll drop you off tomorrow."

I remember being so angry. This guy was literally kidnapping me. He lied to my manager about getting me home and I felt like I should have gotten a ride from my other co-worker. I missed my bed so much. 

When I got to his place, I literally went straight for the couch and told him I don't want to sleep in the bedroom. He told me to stop being so childish and carried me to the room. I pretended to fall asleep while he was changing.

When he got into the bed, he asked if I was sleeping. I pretended I was but then he started pulling me so I can face him and he tried to wake me up. He was making moves on me; kissing me on my neck and back, and putting his hands were they weren't supposed to be. 

"Stop it, Nick. Leave me alone, I just want to sleep."
"You can sleep after, c'mon."
"No, stop it!"
 He forced himself on me for the second time. This time I was drunk. He knew right away that I'm an easy "target" because I'm drunk. He had no intentions of dropping me off. His only intentions were to have sex with me because I was drunk.

In retrospect, I viewed this at Nick kidnapping me and raping me while I was drunk.

---
January came around with a surprise. There were rumours that I was telling everyone that Nick and I slept together. I was extremely furious because out of everyone, Nick was the other guy in the rumor. I quickly told Anthony what's going on and he said, "What?! Who told you that? Jessica, I never heard any rumours on the sales floor, so I don't know what's going on."

When I found out about the rumour, I also noticed that Nick was extremely pissed off at me. That led me to getting angry because everything we've been through, he chooses to believe someone else over me. We ignored each other for about two months before he finally texted me and asked to talk about what's going on.

He told me that a girl came up to him on break on day and told me that I was telling everyone that we slept together. When I asked who's this girl, Nick wouldn't tell me. He was interested in my version and I told him, "Nick, why the hell would I ever tell anyone about us? I know it would get you in trouble and me in trouble. I've been told there's actually no rumor and if there was a rumor, don't you think headquarters would have dropped by by now?" Nick didn't say anything. To this day, I'm not sure Nick's story is even true. I trust Anthony more.

He apologized and on our way back to the car, he decided to slap my ass and grinned. After two months of ignoring me, I felt pissed off that he thinks he has the right to do that. He didn't drop me home, we went back to his place and you can probably tell what happened; I didn't want to go home with him but I knew that there's no point in arguing. That night I remembered not saying anything. Why bother? If I said yes, he would come onto me. If I said no, he'll force him onto me. I felt like as soon I'm near him, he won't let me go until he gets what he wants.

---
During his one month vacation, I told myself, no more. This is a new year, so I desperately need to get out of circle I'm in. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I made a commitment to myself. During the month he was away, I noticed my period didn't come. I thought it was just hormonal changes but the second month, it didn't come either.

I went to get a pregnancy test and to my horror, it was Nick's. The only time we had sex was that night we asked to talk about the rumor. I got another test done at a youth clinic to double check. The nurse told me I was borderline to being able to get an abortion. If I waitedt another week, it'd be over the maximum weeks for abortions. I didn't even thought I was pregnant for that long (the only symptoms I had was slightly bigger boobs, sore back, tiredness, change of appetite and motion sickness on transit). I didn't even have morning sickness! 

I called Nick and told him it's urgent. We met up at Starbucks and I told him I'm pregnant with his child. He had the nerves to ask, "Are you sure its mine?" I told him I want an abortion because mentally and physically I can't handle it and I'm not ready to have a baby yet; I could tell he was a bit disappointed with my choice. When I told him I already made an appointment for Tuesday 9am, Nick told me he has work but he'd visit me after work.

I ended up going to the hospital with my best friend. That Tuesday,  he didn't come by to "see how I was doing." He texted me two days later asking how I am. What a douche. 

---

After the abortion, I cut back my shifts so I don't need to see Nick anymore. In April, I ended up meeting someone amazing. I handed my two weeks notice in May and left the company. Sometime in the summer, he texted me "hey." I ignored it.

---
You'd think that after I left the company, Nick wouldn't be a problem anymore. Well... 

In the last few months of 2013, the manager of ABC Retail left and the store threw him a goodbye party. I declined the invite. A close friend of mines that still works at ABC Retail told me that Nick got extremely drunk, totally wasted and told people that him and I hooked up a few times. 

I was so surprised because after all this time, I've finally moved on but Nick is still living in the past. I was furious too because I didn't want people knowing about the relationship I had with Nick.

On December 15th, he added me on Instagram and BBM (he deleted me off his Facebook). I don't know why but given that we haven't talked, I replied to his BBM. He was super friendly at first until warning signs came up when I noticed the way he was texting me.

He was really warm and friendly, a side that I didn't see before. I thought we can actually be friends. He started liking a lot of my Instagram photos. One night, he asked me to come out and catch up... at 12am. I said no but he said, "I'm in your neighbourhood. C'mon." I stuck to my instincts and said no. He said, "Okay, next time." Was he really in my neighbourhood? I don't know. In the past, he would say "I'm on my way" to make me feel like I have no choice since he's already coming. 

The next few days he asked to hang out again at 12am. I told him no, I'm tired, my bed is warm. He replied with "My car is warm :P" and I knew he implied sex in his car.

It got the point where if I don't reply in 1-2 minutes, he'll start spamming me and telling me I'm a bad texter. If I don't reply at all, he'll force the conversation by sending "???", "hello?", etc. I was getting super fed up with how he's pushing me to text him back. He also knows I'm seeing someone but that didn't stop him from trying to get me to sleep with him. Disgusting.

On Jan 1st, 2014, he asked again to catch up. I told him, I'm out doing grocery shopping (which is true!) but he said "I'm off at 6pm, you'll be home by then." 

I told him, no. He called me party pooper. I texted him, "Why meet in person? Texting in fine."
He replied "K."

To this day, he hasn't liked a single Instagram photo OR messages me. I laughed because I knew his intentions straight off the bat and when I said there's not a chance to "meet up and catch up", he drops me off instantly. How pathetic is that?

Nick is a child. He thinks he a ladies man but he's nothing but a pathetic loser. He deleted me off Facebook and ignored me for weeks because he got offended when I jokingly said "I don't like your face." ... um, excuse me, you called me a bitch, slut, and whore for months! When we hang out, he'll be messaging other girls from dating websites to meet up. One night, he showed me a picture of this girl. They were flirting through IM and I was reading their convo. The next day, he called in sick for work. The following day after that was a store meeting - he came in with a big hicky on his neck and claimed he got hit by the ball in cricket. When Anthony heard that excuse, he laughed because if that was really the case, Nick would've been in the hospital. He's a pathological liar with no control.

---
It's hard to admit that you've gone through an abusive relationship with a rapist. It's hard to admit that you've been raped. It feels wrong. It feels like it's your fault. I feel like I could have done something more. But I didn't.

Has it changed me? Of course it did. It takes me longer to put trust in men (whether he's a potential date or just being friends). In the back of my mind, I assume that men is just after one thing and that's sex. When I met that special someone back in April, he put everything at ease. The first time we had sex together, and the first time having sex since Nick, he took it slow and even stopped when I started panicking. I have flashbacks that makes me sick to my stomach. I have nightmares about the rapes. My stomach drops in the most negative way whenever I see his name or pictures on anywhere. I hate hearing about him from my co-workers that I've kept in contact with. I use to be comfortable with hugs, shoulders touching me in crowded areas, etc. but now I choose to keep my distance away from people. People recognize that I don't enjoy my personal bubble being invaded; they know I don't enjoy it when their hands touch my shoulders (in a non sexual way). It made me self conscious about my body (he forced me to maintain my body up to his standards and he constantly made fun about how small my boobs were).

Looking back, he used me for sex. I only classified the two incidents as rape but when I look back, probably 90% of the sex we had was him forcing himself on me. The 10% of consensual encounters was during the first few months that we met and perhaps a few throughout our "relationship". Everything after or between those consensual encounters was actually nonconsensual; I didn't want to have sex with him.. But can I still call it rape? Wasn't it my fault that I was stupid enough to fall for his lame lies and assume we were really going to watch a movie or hang out? Is it my fault that I didn't speak up? I mean, either way, yes or no wouldn't stop him - he'll force his way no matter what. 

It took me a while to realize I shouldn't blame myself to those incidents. It's Nick's fault for taking advantage of my trust and my state of mind. I was young and he was 5/6 years my senior - he should have known better. If you ever think there's no way out, there's always a way out. You won't feel alone if you leave. You won't feel unwanted if you leave. When I finally chose to leave Nick for good, a whole new world opened up. I met new people, I experienced new things, I became more self aware and self confident. There's much more new opportunities out there once you choose to leave the circle.

If you know someone or you're going through an abusive relationship, get help. Tell someone you trust. Although I didn't tell any of my best friends and I didn't tell Anthony that Nick was abusive, I did tell Anthony about our encounters and he took the effort to make sure I wouldn't get stuck in Nick's circles of lies and abuse. In a way, I went through this entire process alone. I didn't speak to anyone about this until now. Tackling it on your own is difficult but I'm an independent person so I felt more comfort being by myself than telling people or seeking professional help. However, if you can't handle it on your own, seek help. I realize that nobody in the right set of mind will judge your story. I realize that rape is a growing society concern and everyone wants to help somehow. Get help and leave the hell-hole.

6 comments:

  1. Wow. I hope you have gotten some counseling or something as well. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that :(

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  2. I'm sorry I'm not closer to you and could not help you. But I'm glad you found your strong voice and left. I am glad you found happiness, and really hope you can inspire anyoe who reads this to do the same. Part of 2014, I've decided to leave my toxic friends. 2014 will be a promising year for us I can feel it.

    www.rosa-dyn.com

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  3. Wow. Can't even imagine what your life must have been like going through that, and even trying to grow from it now. This will definitely make you a stronger person, and kudos to you for sharing. I know that took a lot. I don't know if I could share this story so publicly, but that just goes to show that you're a much braver person than I am.

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  4. Well first of all you are incredibly brave to let it all out like this. I bet writing it makes it all the more real. Writing it makes you think of it all over again and I can't imagine what that would be like.
    I think you were raped, just like you said. Maybe you were into it (sort of) in the beginning but afterwards, it was clear that you were not and any real man would be able to sense that. Then, when you clearly said no.. it was all the more clear that 'Nick' is a bad guy. It sounds like he took advantage of you in more than just sexual ways. I'm sorry that you went through it. But, I think it's really important for you to keep away from him, as much as you can. Do everything you can to cut him out of your life. (I know you quit your job and I'm sure you are doing everything you can.) But, I can not stress to you enough the importance of keeping yourself safe from this individual.

    Your attitude towards it all is very inspiring. You are handling an ugly situation with grace and I wish you only the best in trying to get over what has happened. Don't let him ruin your future relationships because he has already done too much damage.

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  5. Jessica, I'm so sorry you went through that. I know I almost did as well, l but some men are so smooth that it makes it hard to say no. I've never been as deep as you, but I think I easily could have if I spent more time with the guy that I was with. I'm glad you are on your path to healing. You're incredibly strong and should be proud of yourself. You really inspiring :)

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  6. Im so sorry this happened to you. :( A girl your age (or even at ANY age) should never have gone through something like this. You are very brave to put your story out there. xx

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