Monday, February 3, 2014

My Deepest Fears (2AM Thoughts)

One of my "expressive" self portraits when I did photography waaaaay back then.
I'm brutally honest with myself and my experiences. I feel like I shouldn't have to hide them and I don't fear people using it against me because I'm at peace with my past (for majority of it). I've lied, I've stolen, and I've been a bully at one point. I would share them if anyone asks.

Last month, I shared my story of being in an abusive relationship with my rapist. I'm not embarrassed or afraid of sharing it. But for some reason, I've always been afraid of sharing my deepest fears. In my years old blogging, I've never shared at least one of my deepest fears (and we're not talking about spiders or heights) and of course, I've never shared my fears with my closest friends.

I'm 20 years old, but I feel too mature for my age. I know how to "live in the present" but my mind will always wonders to the future. No one, in my age group, that I know of, is stressed at night thinking about how to live in the world's second most expensive city, and first expensive in North America. No one is thinking about their career path or their marriage/family life.

As a kid, growing up, I pictured myself graduating from university, getting married by 25 and hopefully have my first kid before 30 years old. I envisioned myself living in a nice condo with the perfect husband and financially stable with great careers.

In no particular orders, my deepest fears, written for the world to see. Hopefully, by sharing it for the first time, my mind could be at ease.

1. Not getting over my heart break/not being able to find love
I haven't shared this with anyone yet but back in December 2013, The Boy and I broke up, the reason being "timing isn't right for both of us". I've been in previous relationships, but The Boy was my first love and my first heart break. I have a fear that I won't be able to get over him because I actually felt like he was "the one". A lot of you guys may laugh and shake your head, telling me I'm young and that someone better will come, but I honestly feel like the better half of me is gone. I'm afraid that I'll be holding onto this... hope, that The Boy and I can try again when the time is right (his idea, not mines). It's been months and it still gets to me. I've tried to go out and meeting new people, not to date but just to meet new people, and I have the guilt that I'm cheating. I know "time heals everything" but knowing the way my heart works, I feel like it wouldn't. I've never missed or felt this way about someone before. I've been in long term relationships and it didn't affect me as much as this break up.

Perhaps, I might be able to get over The Boy. But I'm afraid I won't be able to find love. Vancouver is an unfriendly city. My dating life is ups and downs. I have a high wall when it comes to letting people in and I'm afraid that that wall might be holding me back. I'm way to picky in terms of finding a potential lover. If one thing is off, I cross the boy off completely. I know I shouldn't being flaws are in everyone, but I can't help it.

2. Being single at 25+/not married
Following #1, I have the fear of being single in my mid 20s, or even in my 30s and later. It seems that it's very common for people to be dating in their late 20s BUT, if I'm not in a long term relationship with a marriage on the path, I just feel afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be alone when everyone around me is getting married/starting families. I have older friends and I pity them because they're 31/32 years old and not even dating. I don't want to be dating when I'm 35 years old - I want to be married to the love of my life by then.

3. Not being able to have kids
I know I can get pregnant, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to. I'm underweight, skinny, and overall I have a small body. I'm healthy but I'm afraid my body won't be able to handle the pregnancy as it progresses. When I look at everyone that's been pregnant, (eg. my mom), their body is bigger than mines and can easily carry a child but I feel like I'm just... too small and too skinny. 

4. Dying after childbirth
If I am able to maintain an entire 9 months pregnancy journey, I'm afraid that I'll die after childbirth. I know it's a dark thought but it came about when I've seen several movies with the mother dying after childbirth. Yes, the plot was taken place without modern technology, but those movies sort of drilled a fear in me. I can't even imagine putting through my husband the guilt of pain and joy if I died.

5. Not being successful
I'm studying HR and that profession is in high demand. However, I'm afraid that I might end up in a super small company with limited growth potential. I want to grow and eventually be a HR manager or supervisor of some sort. I don't want to be stuck in an entry-level job.

That being said, I'm also afraid that I won't be successful enough to own/maintain a home, particularly in Vancouver, BC. Even if I was married, I'm afraid my income won't contribute much to the mortgage. I'm afraid that my income won't provide a good living as in being able to live comfortably without worrying about meeting ends meet with bills and grocery shopping. I want to be able to have a disposable income that I can treat to vacations and goods (not everyday but perhaps once or twice a year).

6. Disappointing my parents
They sacrifice a lot. One of my biggest fears is not being able to repay them in some way. I'm not saying make enough for them to retire right now, but I want to be able to take a portion of the weight off their shoulders. I want to be able to give them a vacation they haven't had in a while, or a fancy dinner they don't have the time to eat because they're constantly working. If you're Asian, you'll understand how hardworking Asian parents can be.

7. Not having friends in the long run
I like to be alone... so alone, to the point that I pushed away my friends a few years ago. I regret that deeply because the group of girls that I was with in high school... I only see them a few times a year. The four of them makes plans but never invites me because they know I won't come. That's a shitty feeling. I tried to reconnect with them but I feel like there's this distance that will never be able close again. They come to my birthday, we message from time to time, but it's not the same. They tell me they'll always be there for me, but even I don't know if I can believe that.

I'm sure there's more but these are the first few that popped in my mind. I know I'm 20 and a lot can happen in one year, but my deepest fears are something along the lines of those points. I have ten years to get married but I'm still worrying now... at 20. I don't know why, but that's what consumes my nightly thoughts.

PS. KIDNAPPING!
I hate going home alone after spending a night out. I live in a safe area BUT reading all these news articles about missing kids and women makes me extremely nervous to walk home alone in the dark. My house is about one and half block from the closest bus stops but even that 5 minutes walk gives me the chills. Back when I drove, I left the house as 2am for McDonalds' and the walk from my front door to my car was nerve-wracking already.

3 comments:

  1. I cry whenever I think about the thought of not having children, or even watching someone else go through that difficulty. The thought is very scary, and so completely real when I hear about the statistics.

    www.rosa-dyn.com

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  2. My fear is also not being able to find love..

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  3. I have a mega fear of not being able to have children. During (and after) my miscarriage when I was sixteen, not once did I tell my parents or go to a hospital to see if everything was alright. All I know is that one day I had two positive tests and then a week later I was in agony...and empty. I have ALWAYS been scared that I haven't been able to have children after that.

    I can relate to #1 as well. I've never been a sappy girl when it comes to romance but I fell HARD last year. My first love and my first heartbreak. It began in December 2012 and it ended in November 2013. He had to go back to France and my heart was absolutely shattered again. I had been saying goodbye to him sporadically throughout the year and it never got easier. I still think about him every. single. day. I feel that maybe, one day in the future I will be able to "get over" him but he will ALWAYS be that one that got away.

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