Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Summer of 19 You+Me

Sometimes, I forget that I made this blog as a personal outlet and not a "lifestyle" blog. And, tonight, I just really need to pour my heart out.

It's been nearly 6 months. 6 months since I've last seen you. 6 months since I've heard your voice.

6 months and I should be over you. I should be moving on with my life, regardless if you want to be friends or not.

Just two weeks ago, I was so sure that my heart has finally healed. I was so sure that we'll have a positive future together as friends. But, I think unconsciously I still hoped for something between us. When you told me you weren't home yet, I deliberately missed 2 busses in hopes of catching a glimpse of you. Or that you've seen me. I wanted you to see how much I've changed in 6 months.

But, this one time, when I was on the bus and we drove by your favourite pho place on Thursday night, I knew you were in there. My heart didn't stop pounding for minutes. Isn't that pathetic? Just that one second and I knew instantly it was you. I know the way you sit when you're at a dining table. I know the way you look when you're about to take a drink. Imagine what my heart will do if I saw you for a full minute.

But two weeks ago, I didn't meet anyone.

Two weeks ago, I was confident, and happy. Two weeks ago, I was hopeful.

Just a few days ago, I met someone. We're talking 24/7 and it's one of the best conversations I've had since we last spoken. The more we texted, the more I didn't care if you ignored my texts or not. The more I texted him, the more I knew you were drifting away and it didn't matter.

Would you attempt to do anything if I told you I met someone? A part of me fears that once you know I've found someone, you'll flirt and sleep with as many girls you want.

Eventually, we talked on a bit more on a personal basis. That's when it hit me. The more I talked with the new guy, the more I miss you.

I miss the stupid things. I miss the rush of emotions you give me.


I get nervous when I think about being with the new guy. I feel bad that I'm seeing someone new.

Just now, I saw that you liked the same girl's Instagram photo - and it wasn't even a selfie, it was her newly painted nails. Since when did you ever liked fashion/beauty pictures? I'll admit, I get fairly jealous that you like nearly every Instagram photo she posts when you haven't even liked mines since the last week of October of 2013.

Aren't I sad that I notice these little things? 

Now, I feel a bit upset and hurt that you haven't replied to me recently. Just two weeks ago I didn't mind that you read my messages and that was it. And now, I'm at a full circle - feeling betrayed that you're not talking to me.

I shouldn't feel this way if I was so confident I was over you. I shouldn't feel this way when I've finally met someone since we broke up.

Sometimes, I wish I never met you. Sometimes, I wish we didn't rush in. And then there are times when I'm so happy I've met someone like you.

Why am I holding so tightly to you when you've given up? I wish you never told me, "Who knows, maybe in the future, we can try again." I wish that you haven't told me, "Sometimes, I regret giving up on us.", "Some nights, I stay awake at night thinking about everything. Thinking what I could have done differently."

I swear that's what got my hopes way, way, way up.

My biggest fear is finding someone for the rest of my mind but know you were the one that got away. Because the closer I get to the new boy, the more I feel like you really are the one that got away.

I don't want that regret and thought when I'm 90 years.

2 comments:

  1. Becca's WonderlandMarch 26, 2014 1:10 PM

    I know this is a personal post but I felt like I had to comment. Getting over someone can be one of the hardest things, and it feels like it's never going to end, but it will get easier and I'm sure you'll have no regrets over the situation! I know exactly how you're feeling, but eat your favourite food, have a little cry and then stay optimistic because you will get over this guy, it just takes time and you're probably further there than you realise :) Lots of hugs <3


    www.beccaswonderland.co.uk

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  2. Oh gosh petal, I don't even know what I can say in response to this :/ I know exactly how you feel though and I am sending you huuuuuuge hugs from NZ <3

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