Sunday, June 29, 2014

Bittersweet Closures


Can we all praise Taylor Swift as the goddess for heartbroken songs?

I know I said I wouldn't talk about The Boy anymore since his previous encounter with me but nonetheless, I have found myself listening to TS (especially the song above) on repeat these past few days.

Why?

I'm back in contact with The Boy.
There's a bittersweet ending to this, though.

I had my heartbroken the second time by The Boy last week. How?

Well, let's just say... him buzzed + me drunk = sex.
I just remember unblocking him because I felt like I missed him so much. A week later, on Saturday, we texted each other and agreed to meet up at his place as we were both going home from our parties.

One thing led to another and we slept again.
I remember little details like, "I know you're not going to say no, and I don't want to hurt you but please say no and I won't do anything." or something like, "To be honest, I still want you so badly but I can't stand to hurt you again."

How could I resist the man I still love dearly? I remember running my fingers over his face for the last time and felt a smile forming as I accepted him.

He and I didn't regret that night but as painful to admit (and hear it too), that night shouldn't have happened. We're still both trying to sort our feelings for each other.

But, in a way, something positive happened. I got my last closure that I needed. My heart finally was allowed to let go of the hope of us getting back together. That was the closure I needed to move on, and if I'm being honest here, I wouldn't have gotten it if I never went over to his place that night. I had my heartbroken again (or at least, it was felt like it was breaking) but I knew this pain was necessary to move on, once in for all.


I hate knowing some other girl will eventually spend her life with him. I'm envious of this girl and she isn't even in the picture yet. A part of me still hopes we'll be together in the future but that hope isn't as big as it was before. The past few days, I've met up with a few people and for once, I feel free from The Boy clogging up my mind.

Since that closure, I feel like we're back on a positive path to being friends. I feel like he was waiting for me to accept the fact that we're no longer going to get back together. We communicate in a much more open style. We replies positively and quicker than before.

That night, I was happy. That night replaces my thoughts of him. I loved the fact that the last memory I have of him is not him breaking my heart, but to see how peaceful and beautiful this man is when he's cuddled up in a blanket burrito.

I'll probably be sharing that memory with another girl, but for the time being, it's mine and I'm grateful that's my new found memory of him. 


I'm happier than I was in the previous months with this situation. There are times when I question his feelings (like a few days ago, he called me up, apologized, broke down crying, and hung up; and he wasn't even drunk), but until then, like everyone says, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

So, perhaps I'll see him in a few years. Perhaps, we're better off friends. Or perhaps, we're supposed to be going our separate ways.

 Best song to describe everything.

2 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years and it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You've pretty much summed up my feelings and thoughts into one post! Especially the part about being jealous of a girl that's not even there yet. It's the most painful thing ever. Everyday it's getting better though, and I'm glad you're beginning to see that if things are meant to be, they will be. That's how I've gotten through -- if we're meant to be together one day, we'll find each other again.


    Brydee | The Perks of Being Brydee xx

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  2. Aww this post really hits home. I've been in this exact same situation in the past. Breakups always seem to be messy and complicated. I'm glad you found closure from seeing him again and not more confusion!

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