Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Why I Chose to Have an Abortion

Here's the thing.

If you're closed minded and resent abortion, this post isn't meant for you. I'm not here to persuade you into why you should switch to pro-choice. I'm here to share my story; get it off my chest; give girls a boost in courage to what they feel is a right choice.

When I shared my rape story, I got a surprising amount of support e-mails but also questions about my abortion because I didn't really go into details about it in the story aside that I was pregnant at 19 and had an abortion at that time.

Few things are probably going through your mind:
- where was the protection? (aka, you're stupid and irresponsible!)
- why didn't you take a morning after pill?
- you were raped, of course you got an abortion!

And let me just say, it's hard for me to admit my wrong doings, but I will. When have I ever lied on my blog?

Where was the protection?
During the time that I was (happily) seeing him, I was on birth control pills. Before this incident took place, I told myself to get out of the hell hole this relationship is, and branded myself single. In simple words, I got off my birth control because I was no longer in a relationship - makes sense right?

When this incident took place, it was against my will. Nick isn't a fan of condoms, but we've been together long enough that whenever "quick sex" happens, I didn't get pregnant. Nick assumed that because he pulls out (like a few other times in the past), nothing can happen. I got used to the fact that whenever we had unprotected sex, no pregnancy scare came out of it. And, when Nick is turned on, his mind is solely on sex and nothing else. He didn't give a rats ass about getting condoms or making sure I was protected.

So, because we had unprotected sex a few times, I took my chances. I thought this was just like any other encounter. Against my will, quick and pull out.

Why didn't I take a morning after pill?
To be honest, in the previous experiences of unprotected sex, I rushed to the nearest clinic to get a Plan B pill. I can make some bogus excuse but in all honestly, I don't remember why I didn't go. When I reflect on it, I might have simply forgot. That's it. I forgot to get a Plan B pill.

Call me stupid, I know my mistakes.

When I found out I was pregnant, the nurse told me I was on the borderline of getting approved for an abortion. If I waited another week, no clinic would accept me because I'm too far into my pregnancy. I'm not going to lie, I felt like I was lucky.

Sure, I was an idiot to be so foolish and unsafe but I felt like God (as ironic as it is in this situation), gave me a chance and I took it.

Being 19, I was not ready for a child.

I was still wrapping up my first year of university. I was working part time in a minimum wage job. I was still a kid myself, damn it. I don't know a thing about raising a child.

But, the biggest reason why I chose to get an abortion was not because I couldn't handle a child financially and mentally. It was because I believed I couldn't handle a child physically.

I'm thin and my BMI is considered underweight. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't even show a baby bump!

I was worried I was either going to lose the baby throughout the pregnancy because of my body shape/health or I'm not strong and healthy enough to give birth to one yet.

When I do want a start a family, I want to be prepared. I want to visit ten billion nutritionists and doctors to work out a meal plan to ensure my body is healthy and strong for the entire pregnancy and birth.

This unexpected pregnancy took me surprised. I never had a chance to prepare my body for it. Hell, because I didn't know for so long, I was eating raw salmon fish almost on a daily basis and drinking alcohol!

In simple words, I chose to have an abortion, not because of how the child was conceived, but because I'm selfish and put myself first. I believed my body isn't capable of such thing yet and I stuck to it. That's the most selfish thing I've done but when I reflect back, what happened if I did choose to go through with it? Would I be a mother now? Or would I have lost the child somewhere along the pregnancy?

At the time I chose to get an abortion, I wasn't emotionally attached to the child yet because I just found out about 'it' a day or two prior. If I continued to keep the child and built an emotional bond with it, I can't imagine the pain and possible depression that might overcome me if I lost it.

Pregnancy is a scary (but wonderful) thing. I chose to get an abortion because I'm selfish about my well being.

So, at the age of 19, I was pregnant with my first child. At the age of 19, I also chose to have an abortion.

I don't regret it and I personally believe I did the right thing for my myself and my life. I have nothing against teen parents, but teen parenthood just wasn't meant for me and I escaped it only by mere "luck".

If you're ever in my position, or considering an abortion for whatever reason, do it for yourself. That's my advice. It's your body, your life, your choice. 

Was I scared? Yes!
But I wasn't scared of what society will think of me, or how they might taunt me. I was scared of the procedure (which, is nothing to be afraid of it).

Trust me. If you feel it's the right thing to do for personal reasons, trust your instinct.

3 comments:

  1. Wow, you are so brave for sharing this. Especially on the most critical place ever: the internet. You had to do what you did for yourself. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't have done or how you should feel about it. More power to you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I always admire your honesty in your posts and this one is certainy no excpetion. I always used to be pretty anti-abortion because I had the 'well it's your fault' attitude, but since knowing close friends have pregnancy scares and in one case fall pregnant, I can now say I believe in doing what is right for you. I mean you're quite right in wanting to put yourself first, it wouldn't be fair to bring a baby into the world through an unhealthy pregnancy if that became the case, nor would it be fair to have it only because you felt too guilty to have an abortion even if you weren't financially, physically or mentally prepared. Well done for sharing this!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know what? You are brave. You are strong, and it is your choice whether or not you wanted that abortion, you know? It's not up to anyone else to decide what goes on with a woman's body, it is her choice and hers only. Being raped is something a lot of people (male and female) have such a hard time talking about it, I still have a hard time talking about my experiences with rape and abuse in my past. But you're a survivor, and you're here to tell your stories! That is SO inspirational to others!!

    ReplyDelete

Hi! Thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog; I really do appreciate it and love reading the comments I receive from you guys! ♥