Friday, September 26, 2014

I Hate My Life...

Okay, so it may sound just a wee bit melodramatic, but right now, I'm not feeling the greatest.

I'm filled with so many emotions - envy, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, hopelessness, stuck, happy, annoyed, driven, etc. etc.. Basically, my emotions are stretched out on the spectrum.

Here's the thing. We've all been through the whole 'I Hate My Life' phase of our lives and I didn't think it'd hit me again. But the biggest difference is the fact that I actually have reasons to why I "hate" my life instead of being that whiny teenager that thinks life is miserable at the age of 16.

Where do I even start?

I'm feeling envious because I look at my peers graduating with a nice future ahead of them. They've managed to score great internships and probably wouldn't have trouble finding a good career in this expensive city.

I'm feeling frustrated over so many things ranging from living conditions to my parents to my school.  I wish I can elaborate more but it gets way too personal and too long.

I'm feeling confused in terms of what to do. Split between two situations and two people with many pros/cons each.

I'm feeling lonely because while I'm sitting on my bum at home because my previous college screwed me over (and still is screwing me over), my friends are working or studying full time and none of them got time to chill out like I do. It sucks being at home with nothing to do. I'm just waiting patiently until I can start school again.

I'm feeling hopeless because I'm so afraid of what the future brings. What if I can't "make it" in the real world? What if I don't make enough to support a comfortable life? What if I don't succeed in my HR career?

I'm feeling stuck in a city that haunts me. I desperately want to leave Vancouver, and that sounds ridiculous right? I'm craving a new start. I'm thinking of moving to Edmonton after my graduation but we'll see about that. I planned a cruise only to realize that the cruise I wanted to go on requires you to be 21... seriously?! I'm only three weeks away from turning 21 and they won't make an exception.

I'm feeling happy that I'm starting school soon, despite the road bumps during my application process. I'm feeling happy that despite the fact that I "hate" my life, I know I got I still got an education, food and shelter that most people don't.

I'm feeling annoying by the situations and people in my life. Situations that would take forever to change. People that always underestimate me. My aunt has only been here for a week and she thinks I'm the stupidest person in the world.

For example, when we were out during Dim Sum, they ordered a tea that I'm not really a fan of so I refuse to drink it. She instantly says, "Jessica doesn't know how to drink tea!". Lady, I do. Or comments like, "We're going out for a walk. You don't even like walks." .... I do, if I have a destination to go to.

When my dad asked what am I going to do in LA, my aunt laughs at me and said, "If Katty (my cousin that she always compares me) hasn't gone to LA yet, how can you go?!" Lady, just because you two travel the world doesn't mean I don't know how to travel, okay? 

It annoys me because growing up in Canada, my parents and relatives that adapted to Western Lifestyle doesn't compare kids. Yes, being Asian and I haven't been compared to people. However, my aunt is traditional Chinese and compares everything to her great daughter.

It literally drives me insane! And my cousin talks to me like I lack life experiences and she's so much more better than me even though she's only one year older. Everything I say, she always has to comment with something that she assumes I haven't thought of yet...

I'm feeling driven because I want to leave Vancouver. I want to prove to people who thought I was stupid. I hate being underestimated and being talked down to like I'm stupid. I hate it when I prove someone right, they ignore me. I'm driven to get my Bachelor's after so many mishaps. I'm driven to just, get a fresh start.

Honestly, it just hasn't been a good week, or a good year, to be honest. I just hope that the year ends on at least, one good note.

Maybe this year is like Alex Burrow's 13-14 season. He didn't score one goal throughout the season until the last few games of the NHL 13-14 season.

Ugh, I honestly hate this stress and negativity in my life right now.

1 comment:

  1. I HATE when people compare me to someone, especially to cousins. Like WHY. NO THANKS PLEASE, I'm awesome already. Tbh, I'm confused with my emotions too. Right now I'm happy for college, annoyed because I haven't found a job and I don't have a personal computer or laptop. Or we can happily say that we're emotionally unavailable haha.


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