Monday, March 21, 2016

Let It Go


It's a windy day - then again, Wellington is known for its winds, just like Vancouver is known for its rain. I came to Wellington in hopes of finding a new home, a place to essentially run away. It's my last day and I decided to spend it around Oriental Bay.

I'm watching the vast ocean fiercely hug the shore. The powerful winds made the waves and ocean look so much better. I'm sitting down, absorbing my surroundings. There are joggers behind me. There's a beautiful dog coming just around the bend. Across the beach is a team preparing for their morning jog.

This morning, I forgo my headphones. I wanted to listen to Wellington rather than the songs I've heard over a billion times.

I still couldn't believe I made it over to New Zealand. Sure, it's not a move, it was more of a vacation but I followed one of my dreams. I chose to run to New Zealand to get away from Vancouver, and some of its bitter memories that are tied to several landmarks of the city. Ultimately, I wanted to run away from the city because it's where I had my first heartbreak. It's where I feel I can never get rid of my ex because he's everywhere. It's where I feel trapped sometimes. It's where I feel I can't fully move on if I'm in the same city as my ex.

I'm now deep into my thoughts and still watched the currents with content. I've been analyzing my "relationship" with my ex. We've been "on and off" is what society would describe as.

Before I left for my two weeks New Zealand trip, I met another boy at work. I always noticed he would say hi and bye (to me) whenever he came to the gym. Eventually, I stopped him and asked how his weekend was. From there, we bonded over sushi, chicken wings, school, and whatever else. I left for my trip shortly after introducing ourselves but he left a lasting impression.

During my days in Wellington, I've noticed a lot of couples traveling together. I've never been the envious type, or the one what craves a companion.

But the more I see it around me, and the more I analyze my "relationship", I realized I want something more serious. I want to be able to see myself on future trips with the guy I'm sleeping with, but I can't with my ex. I began thinking about my future and oddly enough, my ex isn't the guy I want to have kids with. He isn't the guy that I want to move in with.

I still love him, and I think a part of me will always love him, but not as much as I did before we broke up the first time. But whatever I have with him isn't serious. He's not giving me what I want and I don't know why I'm staying. I'm starting to see the lies I've told myself whenever I'm with my ex.

I would make excuses up. Excuses like, my ex still keeps all my gifts I've returned to him, that means something right? He sleeps with the Hello Kitty pillow I returned to him, that's a sign right? He never picks up a new girl on his nights out. He always calls me whenever he's drunk because that's a sign of something, right? It's a saying that you mean something when you're the person they think of when they're pissed drunk. He kept my number after switching phones. He called me after six months of no contact.

All of those were lies I told myself to justified why I kept sleeping over at his place. Lies I told myself in hopes that he would want to restart a serious relationship again. Lies to comfort me thinking he has legitimate feelings for me.

I made the decision before returning back to Vancouver. I want something more serious and he wasn't going to give it to me. I just met someone I potentially may like in the near future and I'm not going to let that moment pass because of all the lies I told me.

I told my ex I wanted something more serious and he said okay. A part of me feels a bit disappointed and upset because I'm saying goodbye to an important chapter of my life. But at the same time, I feel very hopeful and free.

I'm free from the lies I've been telling myself. I'm free from the habit of checking up on my ex's previous girlfriends or "best female friends". I'm free from that horrible feeling of wanting more when I'm with him.

On and off relationships are always hard, but I'm confident that I've fully let go of this chapter. I have a future to focus and look forward to. I have so many close friends to rely on and support me. I always knew this day will come because of the lingering doubts I've had about my ex.

I want something more serious. I don't feel lonely or old. I just want something with someone I can see a future with. I don't want to continue lying to myself and giving myself false hope. I don't want to be tied to social media stalking - how pathetic is it that we officially ended a few years ago but I still search all his female friends on Instagram and Facebook?

I'm free.

I let go and I'm free.

1 comment:

  1. Good job on letting him go. It didn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in. When my ex-husband and I first separated I was still holding on to hope that we would get back together, but I finally let him go too. And I am so glad I did because shortly after I met my now-boyfriend and everything that I wanted to feel with my ex, everything that I tried so hard to feel with my ex I feel so effortlessly with my boyfriend... things happen for a reason.

    How are things with the guy who says hi and bye to you? Are you two still talking?

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